What is Domestic Violence?

It is the actual or threatened physical, sexual, psychological or economic abuse of an individual by someone with whom they have or have had an intimate relationship. Domestic violence is the most common but least reported crime in the nation. It affects men and women in all cultures, races, occupations, income levels and ages. It is a serious, unacceptable crime which affects our children and society in a multitude of ways.

Domestic Violence in families with children is child abuse and profoundly affects children. Boys who witness their father's violence are 10 times more likely to abuse their partners in adulthood than are other families. 85% of domestic violence perpetrators witnessed domestic violence in their own homes growing up.

If every woman victimized by domestic violence last year were to join hands in a line, the string of people would span from New York to Los Angeles and back again.

Common Indicators of Domestic Violence:

Using Emotional Abuse

• Putting you down and/or calling you names.
• Making you feel bad about yourself.
• Making you think you're crazy.
• Playing mind games.
• Humiliating you.
• Making you feel guilty.
• Constant criticism.
• Repeatedly making and breaking promises.
• Subverting your relationship with your children.
• Silent treatment.
• Manipulating your feelings.
• Belittling your abilities and competency.

Using Isolation

• Controlling what you do, who you talk to and see, what you read, and where you go.
• Limiting your outside involvement with other people.
• Withholding or limiting access to phone usage.
• Withholding or limiting transportation.
• Undermining your friendships.
• Harassing your friends or family.
• Constant accompaniment.
• Use of unfounded accusations or rumors.
• Forced imprisonment.

Using Coercion and Threats

• Making or carrying out threats to hurt you.
• The threat or actual use of blackmail.
• Threatening to leave you.
• Threatening to hurt self.
• Threatening to commit suicide.
• Threatening to report you to CPS or DSHS.
• Threatening to report you to welfare, INS. etc.
• Threatening to call the police.
• Making you drop charges or change your story in court.
• Making you do illegal things.
• Making you lie to law enforcement officers.

Using Intimidation.

• Making you afraid by looks, gestures or actions.
• Destroying property.
• Abusing pets.
• Displaying weapons.

Using Economic Abuse

• Making or attempting to make you financially dependent by maintaining total control over your financial resources.
• Withholding money or access to money.
• Forbidding or restricting school or employment.
• Requiring accountability and justification for all money spent.
• Forced welfare fraud.
• Making you pay for his/her personal bills and debts.
• Preventing you from getting or keeping a job.
• Making you ask for money.
• Giving you an allowance.
• Taking your money.
• Not letting you know about or have access to family income.

Sexual Abuse.

• Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact without consent, including but not limited to: marital rape, acquaintance rape, forced sex after physical beating, attacks on sexual parts of your body, unprotected sex, use of pornography, painful sex, humiliating sex.
• Attempts to undermine your sexuality by treating you in a derogatory manner, criticizing sexual performance and desirability.
• Accusation's of infidelity.
• Withholding of sex.

Using Children.

• Making you feel guilty about the children.
• Using the children to relay messages.
• Using visitation to harass you.
• Threatening to take the children away.
• Threatening, or actually harming the children.
• Intentionally expose them to violence.

Minimizing, Denying, Blaming.

• Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns (or others) about it seriously.
• Saying the abuse didn't happen, or you caused it.
• Shifting responsibility for abusing behavior.

Using"Male Privilege".

• Treating you like a servant.
• Making all the big decisions.
• Acting like "master of the castle."
• Being the one to define men's and women's roles.
• Intentionally expose them to violence.

Physical Abuse

• Inflicting or attempting to inflict physical injury and/or illness by grabbing, pinching, shoving, slapping, hitting, hair-pulling, biting, arm- twisting kicking, punching, hitting with blunt objects, stabbing, shooting.
• Withholding access to resources necessary to maintain your health, such as medications, prescriptions, doctor's appointments, food or fluids, hygienic assistance.
• Forced use of alcohol or other drug use.

You Don't Have To Live With It.

• Domestic abuse affects people of all ages, races, religions, sexual orientation and social status. It happens to dating teens, newlyweds, and long established married couples. It is not healthy or normal to be in an abusive relationship of any kind.

Treatment is Available

• Support groups, education, and counseling are all available to victims of domestic violence.
• A certified domestic violence perpetrator treatment program is available for your abuser. You can call DSHS at (360) 902-7901 for a list of certified providers in your area.

If you are the victim of domestic violence:

RCW 10.99.030 (7)

You can ask the city or county prosecuting attorney to file a criminal complaint. You also have the right to file a petition in superior, district, or municipal court requesting an Order for Protection from domestic abuse which could include any of the following;

1. an order restraining your abuser from further acts of abuse.
2. an order directing your abuser to leave your household.
3. an order preventing your abuser from entering your residence, school, business, or place of employment.
4. an order awarding you or the other parent custody of or visitation with your minor child or children.
5. an order restraining your abuser from molesting or interfering with minor children in your custody.

You have the right to:

• Be safe.
• Call your local law enforcement agency for help.
• Tell law enforcement officers you want a report taken.
• Ask that an arrest be made.
• Save evidence, such as a photograph of bruises, ripped clothing, damaged possessions, etc.
• Ask for a ride to a safe place.
• Ask for a court order of protection.
• File charges in the event the prosecuting attorney declines to prosecute, via a citizen's complaint.

Notes to Victims

• Abusers generally do not have a simple anger management problem - they abuse you in order to establish and maintain power and control over you.
• No amount of care in your housekeeping, child rearing, or personal habits will prevent your abuser's inevitable build up of anger, rage and desire for control and power over you. Sooner or later, your abuser will find or make some reason to abuse you - you are not to blame.
• Your situation will not improve and your abuser will not change for the better until he/she receives professional counseling. And if your children see or hear your abuser hurting you, they will be seriously and negatively affected in a multitude of ways. Domestic violence is also child abuse.
• Find a trusted friend, family member, or victim advocate whom you can talk to. It is crucial to establish a support system. Part of your abuser's power comes from secrecy. Victims are often ashamed to let anyone know about intimate family problems. Go to a friend, a neighbor, a relative, or call a domestic violence hot line and talk to a counselor. You should not have to go through this alone, and you don't have to. People will help you!
• Plan ahead and know what you will do if you are attacked again. If you decide to leave, choose a place to go and set aside some money. Have an overnight bag packed and ready. Advocates at the YWCA can provide safety checklists for you.
• Learn to think and function independently. Try to plan for the future and set goals for yourself. You do not have to live in fear, and you should not be afraid to ask for help.

Statewide Multilingual Help

Information about shelters and alternatives to domestic violence is available from a state-wide 24-hour toll free crisis intervention hotline.
1-800-562-6025

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE

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